Time Enough For Love


** Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuses.

* Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself isn't sinful- just stupid.)

What a wonderful world it is that has girls in it.

Have you noticed how much they look like orchids? Lovely!

You live and learn. Or you don't live long.

Does history record any case in which the majority was right.

Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For the first offense, that is.

When in Rome, you shoot Roman Candles.

If "everybody knows" such-and-such, then it ain't so by at least ten thousand to one.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa.

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.

Always store beer in a dark place.

Put your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.

A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.

Small change can often be found under seat cushions.

In handling stinging insects, move very slowly.

When the fox gnaws- Smile!

Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

All cats are not gray after midnight. Endless variety-

Maybe Jesus was right when he said the meek shall inhereit the earth- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.

Natural laws have no pity.

Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow if tomorrow might improve the odds.

People who go broke in a big way never miss any meals. It is the poor jerk who is shy half a slug who must tighten his belt.

This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds to happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.

Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.

A generation whichignores history has no past- and no future.

Get a shot off fast. This upsets him long enough to make your second shot perfect.

It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another- but which one? Differences are crucial.

A "pacifist male" is a contradiction in terms. Most self-described "pacifists" are noit pacific; they simply assume false colors. When the wind changes they hoist the Jolly Roger.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you dont' bet you can't win.

Always cut the cards. You may lose anyhow, but not as often, nor as much. And when you do lose, smile.

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on site. Cassandra didn;t get half the kicking around she deserved.

To be "matter-of-fact" about the world is to blunder into fantasy- and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful.

Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

Don't store garlic near other victuals.

A pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun- and neither can stop the march of events.

A "critic' is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic in this; he is unbiased- he hates all creative people equally.

The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it's none of my business but-" is ti place a period after the word "but". Don't use exessice force in supplying such moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.

A "practical joker":deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right. For exception wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.

Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry. N.B.: Circumstances can force your hand. So think ahead!

Take care of the cojones and the friolos will take care of themselves. Try to have getaway money- but don't be frantic about it.

A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from hate.

When the need arises- and it does- you must be able to shoot your own dog. Don't farm it out- that doesn;t make it nicer, it makes it worse.

Some peole are ants by nature; they have to work, even when it's useless. Few people have the talent for constructive laziness.


Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires.

Everybody lies about sex.

If the universe has any purpose more important than topping a woman you love and making a baby with her hearty help, I've never heard of it.

A whore should be judged by the same criteria as other professionals offering services for pay- such as dentists, lawyers, hairdressers, physicians, plumbers, etc. Is she professionally competent? Does she give good measure? Is she honest with her clients? It is possible that the percentage of hinest and competent whores is much higher than that of lawyers. And enormously higher than that of professors.

Sovereign ingredient for a happy marriage: Pay cash or do without. Interest charges not only eat up a household budget; awareness of debt eats up domestic felicity.

Another ingredient for a happt marriage: Budget the luxuries first!

And still another- see to it that she has her own desk- then keep your hands off it!

And another- In family arguments, if it turns out you are right- apologize at once!

Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.

Rub her feet.

Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers.

It is impossible for a man to love his wife wholeheartedly without loving all women somewhat. I suppose the converse must be true of women.

Dora had not promised to cleave unto me only; I won't let a woman promise that because a day sometimes arrives when she can't.

Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.

Masturbation is cheap, clean, convenient, and free of any possibilty of wrongdoing- and you don't have to go home in the cold. But it's lonely.

All 'Eros' is custom; there is never anything moral or immoral about copulation as such, or any of its nonfunctional frills.

Any sexual act is motral or immoral by precisely the same laws of morality as any other human act; all other rules about sex are simply customs- local and transient. There are more codes of sexual customs than a dog has fleas- and all they have in common is that they are "ordained by God."

Sex is a learned art, as much so as ice skating or tightwire walking or fancy diving; it is not instinct. Oh, two animals couple by instinct, but it takes intelligence and patient willingness to turn copulation into a high lively art.

*Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys.

*I regard virginity as a correctable perversity of no interest.

There is only one way to console a widow, but remember the risk.

One of the oddities about "Eros" is that women are never so willing as when they just have.

It is better to copulate than never.

Nagging wife vertically, docile horizontally. Not too uncommon a pattern.

Many females tend to regard copulation as a formal proposal of contract.

A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.

Nursing does not diminish the beauty of a woman's breasts; it enhances their charm by making them look lived in and happy.

A competent and self-sufficient person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symtom of neurotic insecurity.

Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking.

Touch is the most fundamental sense. A baby experiences it, all over, before he is born and long before he learns to use sight, hearing or taste, and no human ever ceases to need it. Keep your children short on spending money, nut long on hugs.

"I came, I saw, she conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been garbled.)


Thou shalt remeber the Eleventh Commandment and keep it Wholly.

The most prepsoterous notion that H. Sapiens has ever dreamed up is that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes, wants the saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by their prayers, and becomes petulant if He does not recieve this flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy, without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the expenses of the oldest, largest, and least productive indusrty in all history.

The second most prepsoterous notion is that copulation is inherently sinful.

Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.

God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent- it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes at simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.

History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandrff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.

Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most amazing- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure" fighting it out for second and third.place.

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.

"God split himself into myriad parts that he might have friends." This may not be true, but it sounds good- and is no sillier than any other theology.

The profession of shaman has many advantages. It offers high status with a safe livelihood free of work in the freary sweaty sense. In most societies it offers legal priviledge and immunities not granted to other men. But it is hard to see how a man who has been given a mandate from on High to spread tidings of joy to all mankind can be seriously interested in taking up a collection to pay his salary; it causes one to suspect that the shaman is on the moral level of any other con man. But it's lovely work if you can stomach it.

Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.

The shamans are forever yacking about thier snake-oil "miracles". I prefer the Real McCoy- a pregnant woman.

There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you know. So why fret about it?

Whores perform the same funtion as priests, but far more thoroughly.

Faith is for the congregation, it handicaps the priest


It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.

Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin, the victim cannot help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.

A touchstone to determine the actual worth of an "intellectual"- find out how he feels about astrology.

A person who is sensitive but not sensible is all mixed up, cannot function properly. A person who is sensible but not sensitive- I've never met one and am not sure such a person can exist.

Most people can't think, most of the remainder won't think, the small fraction who do think mostly can't do it very well. The extremely tiny fraction who think regularly, accurately, creatively, and without self-delusion- in the long run these are the only people who count...and they are the very people who migrate when it is physically possible to do so.

But David, like all true geniuses, paid only pragmatic attention to rules made by other people.- he obeyed the Eleventh Commandment and never got caught.

Common sense...that phrase is self-contradictory. "Sense" is Never "Common

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity


Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. (He is also a fool).

*Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you.

It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.


Yield to temptaion; it may not pass your way again.

Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.


Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than one man. How's that again? I missed something.

Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man is wiser than a million men. Let's play that over again, too. Who decides?

*You can have peace or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.

An elephant: a mouse built to government specifications.

Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors- and miss.

No state has an inherant right to exist through conscript troops and, in the long run, no state ecer has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons: "Come back with your sheild, or on it." Later on, this custom declined. So did Rome.

Respect for the law is a pragmatic matter. Women know this instinctively; that's why they are all smugglers. Men often believe- or pretend- that the "Law' is something sacred, or at least a science- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.

In a mature society, "civil servant" is semantically equal to "civil master".

A commitee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.

Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen. Homo Sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.

Freedom begins when you tell Miss Grundy to go fly a kite.

*If the human animal has any value at all, he is too valuable to be property. If he has any inner dignity, he is too proud to own other men. I don't give a damn how scrubbed and perfumed he may be, a slaveowner is subhuman.

All men are created unequal


Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.

If tempted by something that seems "altruistic", examine your motives and root out that self-deception. Then, if you still want to do it, wallow in it!

Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

*The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

Being generous is inborn; being altruistic is a learned perversity. No resemblance.

I don't trust a man who talks about ethics when he's picking my pocket. But if he's acting in his own self-interest and says so, I have usually been able to work out some way to do business with him.


If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.

Most "scientists" are bottle washers and button sorters.

Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it.

Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fieldsd. But experts often think so. The narower their field of knowledge the more likely they are to think so.

The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning, while those other subjects merely require scholarship.

Inductive logic is much more difficult- but can produce new truths.


Minimize your therbligs until it becomes automatic; this doubles your effective lifetime- and thereby gives you more time to enjoy butterflies and kittens and rainbows.

To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.

You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being to trusting.


Only a sadistic scoundrel- or a fool- tells the bald truth on social occasions.

A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being frank